Examining the Role of Interracial Relationships in Advancing Antiracism

A recent question posed to The Ethicist column in the New York Times Magazine has sparked insightful discussions regarding the intersection of race and personal relationships. An anonymous reader, identifying as a “straight White dude,” inquired whether dating women of color could serve as a means to combat racism.

On Valentine’s Day, the reader elaborated on his preference for non-White partners, indicating that he sees interracial relationships as a pivotal approach to antiracism. “I want to prioritize dating women of color,” he proclaimed. “I’m after a cross-cultural relationship. I believe very strongly that one of the main ways to combat racism is through relationships. Part of me thinks that I will always be somewhat disappointed if what ends up becoming one of the most important relationships in my life is with another white person. If someone is a woman of color, that checks a box for me in a real way. I am seeking to be antiracist in all my relationships.”

The reader expressed a desire to educate himself on racism, having grown up in a predominantly White and rural environment, and noted, “I am dedicated to educating [myself] on issues of racism, sexism and other forms of kyriarchy while also learning from marginalized people.” The term “kyriarchy” refers to a social system characterized by domination and oppression.

He further likened his dating preference to an approach of cultivating personal growth, stating, “It’s like eating a food or adopting a habit because it’s good for me until I can really like it for what it is.” This perspective brought into focus the complexities of approaching relationships with the intent of fostering mutual understanding and growth.

“Both I and my hypothetical partner of color would be choosing more learning and less comfort, to put forth greater effort and practice more listening than we otherwise would in a culturally homogeneous committed relationship,” he articulated. Moreover, he shared his hope to leverage his privileges for the benefit of people of color, which includes potential biracial children.

In posing his question, the reader sought opinions about the implications of his desires, asking, “Despite my well-meaning antiracist principles, is this preference (as friends have suggested) wrong, insensitive or somehow itself racist?” This query encapsulates the internal conflict many individuals grapple with when discussing race and dating.

Kwame Anthony Appiah, the columnist who responded, acknowledged the reader’s commitment to antiracism but cautioned against viewing relationships merely as instruments for personal ideals. He remarked, “Although you’re not objectifying your hypothetical partner, you are, just a little, instrumentalizing her. That’s not to say you aren’t entitled to pursue this campaign of strenuous self-optimizing. Just be transparent about your box-checking ambitions.” He suggested that an honest approach may resonate more positively with potential partners.

Appiah’s response raises critical questions about authenticity in relationships. He noted, “Perhaps some prospects will be grateful for your offer to put your privileges at their disposal while you embark on your journey of uplift. But — how to put this? — I suspect that most would rather be your honey bun than your grain bowl.” This metaphor underscores the importance of genuine connection over perceived altruism.

The dialogue inspired by such inquiries is essential for fostering deeper comprehension of race and relationship dynamics. Appiah has previously advocated for understanding and compassion across political divides. In a recent column, he commented on how family gatherings, often uniting disparate groups, can serve as a model for dialogue. “Today, family gatherings routinely unite Catholics and Protestants, Jews and gentiles, Blacks and whites and Latinos and Asians; not so long ago, they could unite Democrats and Republicans. In perfect harmony? Far from it. But it helps to remember people are more than the sum of their political views — and that intolerance has a habit of breeding intolerance,” he wrote.

This conversation sheds light on an evolving landscape where individuals are striving to engage with issues of race more thoughtfully, both in personal relationships and in broader societal contexts. Addressing how individuals can navigate their privileges while fostering meaningful connections is paramount in discussions of race.

Ultimately, the query raised by the reader fosters a necessary dialogue about the motivations behind interracial dating. It challenges individuals to reflect on their intentions while navigating the complex waters of identity and privilege. The exploration of personal relationships as a means to engage with societal issues highlights the ongoing necessity of examining the role of interpersonal connections in combating systemic inequalities.

In an age where discussions surrounding race continually emerge, examining the motivations and implications behind our choices becomes increasingly essential. As we deepen our understanding of the nuances in relationships across racial lines, it is vital to foster authenticity and empathy, moving beyond the surface in pursuit of genuine connection and growth.